


Steven and the Feelings

by Justanothersoul413



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Post-Episode: s04e04 Mindful Education, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, i don't know how to tag, implied PTSD, my poor baby, precious cinnamon roll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-20 14:23:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8252323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justanothersoul413/pseuds/Justanothersoul413
Summary: Steven Universe is a happy-go-lucky boy that's always happy, right? He couldn't possibly be upset about anything. Sure, he's gone through some tough things, but he's a tough kid. He goes through these things normally. He's used to it all. He's smiled though it before.
So why isn't he smiling now?
(One-shot based after Mindful Education)





	

The sound of waves crashing onto the beach shore is soothing to most. Whether the sound is used to lull someone to sleep or is used to calm another's nerves, very few can say they dislike the peaceful noise. This sound was the norm of the little place of Beach City, Delmarva. Nevertheless, each citizen took their chance to stop and listen. Each citizen tried their hardest to not take things for granted, as they remembered a time when their beach had gone missing. They stopped to smell the roses, so to speak.

One boy, though, had stopped for a different kind of rose.

Steven Universe was always a special boy. Often, he could be found grinning from ear-to-ear as he walked the boardwalk. It didn't matter who you were or what you've done, this mini star child wouldn't hesitate to give a friendly hello, and stop to talk about anything that came up. Usually he'd listen to whatever the other would say, giving his input if it was needed. It never failed to make the day of whomever he had the pleasure to hold a conversation with.

When he wasn't walking around, he was visiting his favorite places. The Big Donut, Funland Arcade, and even the It's a Wash carwash his dad owned were some of the many places Steven held dear to his heart. None, however, could top his own place of residence. Then again, what other place housed those he called family?  
The citizens of Beach City knew Steven well, but they knew the Crystal Gems even more so. How could they not? They didn't exactly come quietly. Fighting alien enemies and just generally carrying on made a lot of noise when there were four of them. Even after the leader of the tight-knit group seemed to disappear without a trace it was still fairly noisy, especially when a child came along shortly after.

If no one could find Steven, even after looking at his usual places, chances were he was on a mission with the remaining Crystal Gems, being one himself. He never went on missions that were deemed too dangerous, he was only 14 years old after all, but he was working towards getting to that level. He had even managed to befriend two gems that had been previously seen as enemies, both of which now resided on Earth not too far away from his house.

That child in question was not visiting the citizens of Beach City, nor was he visiting the friends he had made along the way. Instead, he was sitting on the sand of the beach, appearing to be listening to the waves and watching them reach shore. Despite what it looked like, though, Steven couldn't even feel the cold water hit his feet, much less hear the sound so many found peaceful. He couldn't really feel anything at that moment.

He held his knees to his chest tightly, resting his chin on them. Warm tears fell down his cheeks and he didn't make a move to wipe them away, no matter how furious he was at himself for letting them fall. Aside from the tears and the way he held himself, anyone who happened to look over would assume he was just sitting there peacefully. Oh how wrong they would be. 

Not even Garnet's future vision could predict what was happening to the small boy.

Steven had known what he was getting himself into when he agreed to join the Crystal Gems. Of course they had given him a choice, everyone making it very clear what would happen, and he still took it. Never did he expect it would affect him so much. Never did he expect he'd be so angry knowing it was affecting him, either. It took so long for it to fully hit him.

It had just been a normal day of fusion training with his friend Connie when he started experiencing the flashbacks. Now, he had experienced remembering things before, but the only thing close to what was happening now was in the form of nightmares. These were much, much different. He could see and feel everything all over again, and it was getting increasingly harder to snap out of it.

At first it was just Connie with the problem. Steven had gotten so used to repressing his thoughts that they didn't pop up until he remembered what it felt like to remember. Once the first few memories came so did the rest, even if they came at a separate time.

He tried to fix things. He tried to do what Garnet said by thinking about everything, and then taking a moment to think about "flexibility, love, and trust". It only made things worse, and soon he found himself avoiding thinking at all. Anything, even a donut, could lead back to the things he was trying to forget. He avoided sleep until he passed out from exhaustion, fearing his thoughts would turn up in nightmares.

The boy had such a kind heart, that it hurt to remember everything wrong that he had done, or everything good that he should have done. He didn't want to hurt Bismuth. He wanted to help Jasper. He didn’t want to leave Eyeball floating through space. He wanted to live up to the legacy he was supposed to. He didn't want to give up on the centipeetles. He wanted to help the cluster...

It didn't matter what he did and didn't want, because the world doesn't listen to a child. It doesn't listen when he's begging it to keep any of his family from getting "poofed". It doesn't listen when he's bargaining with his own life, just so she could return. It doesn't listen when he's trying desperately to get control of his powers. It doesn't listen when he wants to be fine so he can focus on those close to him instead.

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl all had to go through losing someone they looked up to, all so Steven could exist. Greg had to go through the pain of losing the one he loved, and then having to watch his son move in with the gems instead. Connie had to go through just trying to survive in her parents' world. Lapis and Peridot had to move past their own history. It just wasn't fair!

Steven was supposed to be the junior star child. He was supposed to be the one that was always smiling, even when he got teased by others. He was supposed to laugh hurtful things off, even if they actually hurt. He was supposed to be the person radiating with confidence, even if he just wanted to disappear for a while. He was supposed to be happy. He was supposed to be Rose Quartz.

It was his fault she was gone. It was his fault Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl all were poofed. It was his fault Bismuth was in a bubble. It was his fault Eyeball was lost in space. It was his fault Peridot could never go back to Homeworld. Everything was his fault, even the shattering of Pink Diamond in extension.

He was supposed to have healing powers, but he couldn't even help himself. He was supposed to be whole, but instead he felt as though he was cracked.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all liked it! I apologize for any mistakes, as I wrote this at three in the morning.


End file.
